Embracing Authenticity and Letting Go of People-Pleasing Habits
Recognizing the Signs: How to Identify and Address Your People-Pleasing Tendencies
I suffer from being a people pleaser. I always want people to love and respect me. Public opinion, or at least the opinions of my peers, has always been critical to me.
What do you do when you lose all their approval? So, I searched for solutions to the problems I had experienced almost my entire life. Do you realize what being a people-pleaser does to you? I feel like many of us who are "religious" fall into this trap. By religious, I mean spiritual; for some reason, we believe that doing right means pleasing others. We do so innocently. We want a "good name" and accidentally set ourselves up for sale to the highest or loudest bidder.
I think our desire to please falls into the trap of “legalism.” Notice what Chuck Swindoll says and see if you see the problem we bring on ourselves by so desiring to please people.
Legalism denies God’s grace and presumes to earn His favor through deeds. It is a man-made righteousness that exalts humanity rather than the Lord. Legalism produces either pride or depression in the people under its spell—pride for those who keep the list to their own satisfaction, depression for those who recognize their utter inability to keep the list perfectly. Criticism is the primary motivation. The goal of legalism is to give as much criticism as possible and to avoid it at all costs. Criticism is deadly, so pass it on.
Legalism is wrong because it produces in people what the Lord desires least: pride, self-loathing, hypocrisy, and self-righteousness.1
Consequences of Being a People Pleaser
Do you recognize any of these consequences in your life? If you have the symptoms you may want to take steps to get help.
The fear of disappointing or upsetting others can lead to anxiety and worry.
Trying to fulfill everyone's expectations can lead to feeling overwhelmed and stressed.
Constantly catering to others can lead to emotional exhaustion and burnout.
People pleasers may think that their efforts are never enough, resulting in feelings of inadequacy.
Relying on external validation can contribute to insecurity and self-doubt.
People pleasers may find it challenging to express their genuine emotions and opinions.
Am I a People Pleaser
As you read the following set of questions evaluate yourself and see if you have the problem. If you have to answer yes to several of these questions it just might be an indication.
Do you constantly seek approval and validation from others?
Do you have difficulty saying no, even when it inconveniences you?
Do you feel guilty when you can't help someone?
Do you regularly apologize, even when the situation doesn't call for it?
Do you feel responsible for other people's emotions?
Do you feel a sense of worth or validation based on how much you do for others or what they think of you?
Do you fear rejection or abandonment?
Do you feel a deep guilt or shame when you disappoint someone?
Do you tend to avoid making decisions for fear of upsetting others?
Do you often feel taken advantage of or unappreciated?
Do you feel uncomfortable when you receive compliments or praise?
Do you have a strong desire to be liked by everyone?
Do you rely on external validation for your self-worth?
Bible Verses that Help
These Bible verses emphasize pleasing God and not men. What men love just may be something God actually hates. We are to do the will of God. We are to please God and help people. Just remember peer pressure is a real trap. God is the rewarder and not people. And to be honest people are finicky.
And he said unto them, Ye are they which justify yourselves before men; but God knoweth your hearts: for that which is highly esteemed among men is abomination in the sight of God. Luke 16:15.
Not with eyeservice, as menpleasers; but as the servants of Christ, doing the will of God from the heart; With good will doing service, as to the Lord, and not to men: Knowing that whatsoever good thing any man doeth, the same shall he receive of the Lord, whether he be bond or free. Ephesians 6:6–8.
Even as I please all men in all things, not seeking mine own profit, but the profit of many, that they may be saved.1 Corinthians 10:33.
It is better to trust in the Lord Than to put confidence in man. It is better to trust in the Lord Than to put confidence in princes. Psalm 118:8–9
For do I now persuade men, or God? or do I seek to please men? for if I yet pleased men, I should not be the servant of Christ. Galatians 1:10.
The fear of man bringeth a snare: But whoso putteth his trust in the Lord shall be safe. Proverbs 29:25.
And whatsoever ye do, do it heartily, as to the Lord, and not unto men; Knowing that of the Lord ye shall receive the reward of the inheritance: for ye serve the Lord Christ.
Colossians 3:23–24
How about some helpful quotes
"People-pleasing, in general, will lead to sadness, bitterness, and anger. It's exhausting." Malcolm Smith
"Nothing external to you has any power over you." Ralph Waldo Emerson
"It's impossible to please all of the people all of the time." John Lydgate
"Seeking external validation of your self-worth is a losing battle." Maddy Malhotra
What Steps Can I Take to Address Being a People Pleaser
If you want help here are a few steps to take. I am still on the journey. As I hear some say, I am a recovering people pleaser.
Acknowledge the problem
Consider the underlying reasons for your people-pleasing tendencies, such as a fear of rejection or low self-esteem.
Understand how your people-pleasing behavior affects you
Clarify your values and use them as a guide to make decisions and set boundaries
Changing people-pleasing tendencies takes time and effort, so stay committed to personal growth.
Conclusion
I know that I have a problem. I want to please God with all of my heart, but I also allow peer pressure, pastor pressure, and other believer pressure, whether real or imagined, to affect almost everything I do. I know that is wrong, but as a 70-year-old man, I can be as guilty as a teenager. What about you?
God has brought me through several things that have made me strongly consider that I am to please Him and not people. People are not the answer. Their help is worthless.
I preach that we live and preach to an audience of One, but I have often been too worried about what others will think of what I am doing. That is not Christ-honoring.
I would love to hear your opinions. Am I the only one that deals with this?
Charles R. Swindoll, Insights on John, Swindoll’s New Testament Insights (Grand Rapids, MI: Zondervan, 2010), 106.
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Great important lesson