The Cycle of Hurt: Miss Havisham and the Legacy of Pain
Understanding how unresolved grief can perpetuate emotional wounds in others.
One of my favorite novels is Great Expectations by Charles Dickens. The character that most grabbed me was Miss Havisham. She was a weird spinster who couldn’t get over her past or what had happened to her.
She is a lesson in the victim mentality.
She refused to move on from her hurts and emotional wounds. Her husband-to-be jilted her on their wedding day, and time stopped for her. She wouldn’t take off her wedding dress and change into anything else. The wedding cake sat in spiderwebs, rotting as rodents ate away at it. She stopped all her clocks in the house at the hour of her hurt when she was left at the altar.
This hurt turns into loneliness, bitterness, and isolation. She hated men because of what one man did or didn’t do to her. Unable to move on, she held onto her hurt from the past.
She raised an adopted daughter, Estella, and manipulated her into breaking men’s hearts, similar to how her own heart had been broken, all because of her unresolved anger. Her hurt engulfed her adopted daughter and those in her vicinity. She starts a cycle of hurt. Estella becomes incapable of loving even Miss Havisham.
Finally, as the novel ends, Miss Havisham seems to come to her senses. She asks Pip, the main character, to forgive her for hurting him and trying to destroy him.
You do not have to go so deep in the pit. You can forgive and move on. There is life after tragedy and hurt.
Bitterness has cut Miss Havisham off from the world, warping her perspective on everything, stagnating her emotional growth, and causing her to lose human connection and life.
Remember, she chose it. The original hurt was not her fault, but her response was totally her choice.
How are you reacting to disappointment, hurt, and setbacks? Choose to move forward. Do not get stuck in the past. Yesterday is gone, and tomorrow is not here. Live today.
Here are quotes from Miss Havisham
"I stole her heart away and put ice in its place."
"I'll tell you what real love is. It is blind devotion, unquestioning self-humiliation, utter submission, trust and belief against yourself and against the whole world, giving up your whole heart and soul to the smiter - as I did!"
"When the ruin is complete, and when they lay me dead, in my bride's dress on the bride's table,—which shall be done, and which will be the finished curse upon him,—so much the better if it is done on this day!"
"Heaven knows we need never be ashamed of our tears, for they are rain upon the blinding dust of earth, overlying our hard hearts."
"I looked at the stars, and considered how awful it would be for a man to turn his face up to them as he froze to death, and see no help or pity in all the glittering multitude."
Quotes to Consider
“You have power over your mind — not outside events. Realize this, and you will find strength.” Marcus Aurelius
“Let me never fall into the vulgar mistake of dreaming that I am persecuted whenever I am contradicted.” Ralph Waldo Emerson
“A gem cannot be polished without friction, nor a man without trials.” Seneca
“Life is what our thinking makes it.” Marcus Aurelius
“The past cannot be changed. The future is yet in your power.” Unknown
“You cannot control what happens to you, but you can control your attitude toward what happens to you.” Brian Tracy
“In the middle of every difficulty lies opportunity.” Albert Einstein
“We are not a product of our circumstances; we are a product of our decisions.”
Stephen R. Covey
“It’s not whether you get knocked down, it’s whether you get up.” Vince Lombardi