When the Wound is Deep

The Real Biblical Road to Forgiveness

Some wounds don’t heal with a quick prayer.

You know the ones I mean. The betrayal from someone you trusted. The words that cut so deep you can still feel them years later. The person who should have protected you but didn’t.

I’ve walked with enough hurting people over fifty years of ministry to know this: forgiveness isn’t a feeling you manufacture. It’s a choice you make.

And friend, that’s actually good news.

Forgiveness Isn’t About Your Feelings

Here’s where most forgiveness Bible study gets it wrong. We think we have to feel forgiving before we can forgive. We wait for the anger to fade. We wait until it doesn’t hurt anymore.

But that’s backwards.

Learning how to forgive someone biblically starts with obedience, not emotion. You choose to release them. Then God does the heart work over time.

Ephesians 4:31-32 “Let all bitterness, and wrath, and anger, and clamour, and evil speaking, be put away from you, with all malice: And be ye kind one to another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, even as God for Christ’s sake hath forgiven you.”

Did you catch that? Even as God for Christ’s sake hath forgiven you.

That’s the key. You don’t forgive from your own strength. You forgive because you’ve been forgiven.

The Two-Step Road to Real Forgiveness

When I talk about forgiveness in the Bible verses like Ephesians 4, I see two clear steps:

Step One: Be honest about the hurt. Don’t pretend it didn’t happen. Don’t spiritualize your pain away. God already knows what they did to you. Tell Him. Let the anger out in His presence.

Step Two: Choose to release them. This doesn’t mean what they did was okay. It means you’re handing the debt over to God. You’re choosing freedom instead of bitterness.

W. Austin Gardner didn’t learn this from a book. I learned it from walking through my own deep valleys: cancer, loss, betrayal. And I can tell you: unforgiveness is a prison you lock yourself in.

The First Step Most People Miss

Here’s the truth most people skip: You can’t give away what you haven’t received.

If you’re struggling to forgive, it might be because you haven’t fully grasped how deeply God loves you: exactly as you are, mess and all.

That’s why I wrote The Big Leap of Faith: Believing God Loves You Exactly As You Are. It’s the foundation. When you believe God’s love for you is unconditional, forgiving others becomes possible.

Colossians 3:13 “Forbearing one another, and forgiving one another, if any man have a quarrel against any: even as Christ forgave you, so also do ye.”

You forgive because you’ve been forgiven. Not to earn anything. Not to prove anything. Because grace flows through you when you’ve truly received it.

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Frequently Asked Questions

How do I forgive someone who isn’t sorry?

Forgiveness doesn’t require their apology. It’s a choice you make to release them to God. Reconciliation takes two people, but forgiveness only takes one willing heart.

Does forgiving mean I have to trust them again?

Not at all. Forgiveness releases the debt. Trust is rebuilt through consistent behavior over time. You can forgive completely and still set healthy boundaries.

What if I’ve tried to forgive but the pain keeps coming back?

That’s normal. Deep wounds heal in layers. Each time the pain surfaces, choose forgiveness again. And remember: believing God loves you unconditionally is the foundation that makes ongoing forgiveness possible.

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For more on finding peace after betrayal, visit the W. Austin Gardner blog or listen to the Followed by Mercy podcast.